Why do I only feel the need to post here when it's 2Am and I've shed a few tears?

Probably cause I don't think anyone else is awake to listen to me. So you'll have to do.

Here's what you missed:
-no job or job prospects
-debt on the horizon
-living with the parents
-no romantic relationships to speak of
-and I'm probably the heaviest I've ever been.


I know last time I wrote about Doctor Who and how he loves Rose. Well that feeling never left me. And every Sunday when the paper has no job prospects, the feeling doubles, and every time my parents make a comment about getting a job, the feeling triples, and when each bill comes in the mail for grad school or undergrad loan payments, the feeling quadruples. And that's why the weight has added up.

(<--- postsecret.com)
I wish I was the kind of person that was strong enough to just pick up and move to a new city far away from all of this, but I'm not that kind of person. For as outgoing as I am, I'm the shyest most introverted most self conscious person there is. I put on a big front to people in my life. I'm the court jester for just about everyone, but much like the clown, I'm not all that happy inside. And I know that whatever I leave behind will follow me wherever I go.


I keep saying I'll be happy when I get a job, or lose some weight, or move out... but i keep thinking back to freshman year religion with Mr. Matt when he taught us about the station. How you aren't happy when you get to the stations in our lives, you're happy when you enjoy the trip because that's where life is. It's hard to enjoy the journey when the future is looking pretty bleak. It's hard to enjoy the journey when a person you'd like to spend it with barely talks to you because he's not that into you.


In 5 hours I'll be subbing in the district I student taught in. I'll probably see the kids that I taught and I'll feel like a rockstar for the day. Enough to keep me going for a little longer. Til the future looks a little brighter.

A drawing from one of my High School students
It's me on at my old desk with the caption...
"You are a blinding, blinding light..."

Thanks Alex. Sometimes I forget.



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Now playing: Coldplay - Lovers In Japan (Acoustic Version)
via FoxyTunes

They are turning my head out
To see what I'm all about
Keeping my head down
To see what it feels like now
But I have no doubt
One day the sun will come out