why is it, that days where I found out that people had Cancer I was a rock? I stood my ground, I knew how to cope, how to deal.

but days like today when I feel like no one respects me at my job, I get a ton of things thrown at me, i weaken. I start to falter. I start to question who i am. I start to wonder if I can actually do this. No one seems to remember that I am not trained for this job. That i was supposed to be a temporary replacement. A band-aid for the situation. But instead it's 2 years later and all i've gained is the fact that I like teaching.

I have good days. I have days where I can't imagine being anywhere else. Then I have days like today where it seems like everything goes wrong. I have gotten 4 emails from my boss today pointing out my faults. TODAY. I'm really starting to butt heads with people too. Most of the people I work with are Type A's. They stress out about getting it all done, and in the process stress others out too. Such as myself. I can't believe I'm actually crying as I type this. It's so ridiculous. I think i'm more mad than anything. Im mad that people like them can get to me in such a way that they question who I am. I'm mad that I didn't get my shit together in time to get back to school. I'm mad that I'm alone. I'm mad that I live with my parents. I'm made that the two people that can make me feel better right now live 7 hours away by car and the other is 8 hours away by plane.

Right now I'm talking to a friend online about how much I miss her and how much I wish she was still around, but when she asks why im scared to tell her cause that will ruin the image of me as a person of strength to her.

i feel like im having a nervous breakdown or something and i hate it. i hate that im losing myself that im losing who i am. i was just getting comfortable in my own skin. it only took me 24 years.

i miss my friends, i miss what i had. i miss what was good. i miss knowing who i am. at the end of the day no matter what happened i knew i had my family, my friends and most of all myself.

sometimes i wish something terrible would happen to me.

I know i should really just suck it up, because my job isnt that important. Im not that important. I was told once that i could be replaced in 12 hours. After all thats all it took to replace my predecessor.

I hate that just because shes skinny and I'm not, I become the friend and she becomes the girlfriend. He and I both know that I'm the better catch, and yet I ALWAYS LOSE.

I love my life. I love the fact that i can write this. I love the fact that i have a roof over my head, with parents who drive me crazy, but at the end of the day would do anything for me. I love the fact that on saturday two of my favorite people in the whole world are marrying each other. I love that that gives me hope. but i hate that somedays hope is all i have and that i feel like thats all im gunna have. i hate that i have hate in my vocabulary right now.

i love the fact that im about to go to bed. and that it's with one of the things in life that brings me great joy... Adam Carolla. and i love that i wrote this all out rather than keeping it to myself. Fuck you depression. I will kick your ass.

plus new tv shows start next week. so I can finally have my Gilmore fix. Oh and Ben & Felicity got together today on Felicity on the WE channel. So all in all, it wasn't a complete waste of a day.

Peace... I'll get it back soon enough.


Current music: Death Cab For Cutie - Soul Meets Body
"And I do believe it's true that there are roads left in both of our shoes"