Epiphany

I had an epiphany today. It wasn't the good kind of epiphany. It's the kind where you realize that you've really messed things up and you're really not sure if it's worth it to fix it.

I realized that I was holding on to something that really wasn't there. For quite some time I believed that I had something really great going. It made me happy. It wasn't perfect, many people made fun of it, but what did I care? It made me happy.

I may only be 23, but I feel as if I've seen enough of this world that I know that there isn't a lot that can make you happy. I know that happiness comes in small doses. Like a cookie fresh out of the oven or a phone call from a friend. Or when someone tells you you look great even though you both know they're lying.

I think that was my problem. I was lying to myself. I wanted to believe that there was something more for me. Something grand that I could show all my friends why I "wasted my time". Well, the lying is over.


I'm tired of trying to convince myself of something that wasn't there in the first place. I'm tired of crying at the end of the day because this dream that I made up wasn't working out. It's really taking a toll on me and on other people in my life. So as of today.... I quit.

I quit lying to myself. I quit pretending that something is there. I quit holding on to something that no one else wanted to hold onto.

"You're just dying to climb on a bus, plane or train. You want to get the heck out of here and go somewhere you can truly be yourself. But guess what? You're already there -- and you're well worth getting to know as is. " -My horoscope for today

I am. I am trying my hardest to do something with this thing that I call my life. I'm trying to figure out if I can move out of my parents house. (I can, but I can't afford to eat) I keep trying to run and hide in attempts to find the real me. But as it says... I'm here. And I'm worth getting to know as is. The only problem with that is that I don't believe it. I don't believe that I'm worth getting to know me as is. And for some unknown reason no matter how many people tell me that I am a great person and they are lucky to know me, I still don't believe it. I really have no idea where this stems from.

I know that I am SOOO AMAZINGLY LUCKY to have people in my life that love me for who I am, but the biggest problem is that I don't love me for who I am. And for as long as I can remember I've tried to figure out why I don't like myself, but I can never come up with an answer. That's when I would turn to my good friend... Food.

So you wanna know how long I've been trying to figure this all out? Look at the size of me, it's like rings on a tree trunk, just count em up and you'll find the answer.

I'm gunna stop now, cause I'm tired and 6am comes mighty early for work. That and I really could go on for quite some time. I'm sure this isn't the list time that I have this conversation with you.

Thanks for reading this. Now go do something more important.

Peace...

Current Quote: "We may not always be as happy as you always dreamed we'd be, but for once, let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are." -Garden State