Just revamped the blog...  inspired by my inability to tell people in my life what I'm thinking.

So today at the gym, I was running on the treadmill, like I hate to do. There are 10 treadmills at my neighborhood YMCA. I come from a long line of people that don't like the middle stalls in bathrooms, so the same rules apply to treadmills. However, I'm on number 5 as the others were full when I started. Over the next 20 minutes, they empty out and the cheese runs alone. A gentleman with black spandex pants and a black t shirt with the sleeves cut off hops on to the treadmill next to me. Of all the treadmills, he chooses the one next to me. So I'm a little weirded out, but whatever. Added bonus... his hair... a short mullet that is receding in the front.

He starts to run. After a minute or two he starts moving his arms in a weird way. No big deal, people move their arms when they run. Until he does it again. This time it's like he's playing the drums. It looks like he's playing the drums... because he is. So I smile, and keep running thinking "rock on dude. whatever works for you." One of my biggest fears is falling on the treadmill like all the youtube videos show. So I have no idea how he's running and rocking out at the same time.

Then he breaks out the air guitar. No lie. Air guitar.

So I imagine he is reenacting Journey's glorious video Separate Ways and I chuckle to myself, kind of envious that he's so comfortable with himself that he can air guitar while running and not care what others think. It made me want to play air piano just so I could be a part of the band.

At this point, Kelly Clarkson's new song has me running my tush off, but I can't run forever. I do my cool down and decide I'm gunna head over to the weight room. I get off the treadmill and walk in front of the treadmills towards the weight room past the dude that was next to me. And I wish I was making this part up... He was wearing a Journey concert t-shirt.

I will be at the gym tomorrow at the same time just incase Mr. Perry (as in Steve Perry) is there again. This time I hope he does Don't Stop Believin.


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Now playing: Journey - Separate Ways
via FoxyTunes

True love won't desert you
You know I still love you
Though we touched
And went our separate ways

Why do I only feel the need to post here when it's 2Am and I've shed a few tears?

Probably cause I don't think anyone else is awake to listen to me. So you'll have to do.

Here's what you missed:
-no job or job prospects
-debt on the horizon
-living with the parents
-no romantic relationships to speak of
-and I'm probably the heaviest I've ever been.


I know last time I wrote about Doctor Who and how he loves Rose. Well that feeling never left me. And every Sunday when the paper has no job prospects, the feeling doubles, and every time my parents make a comment about getting a job, the feeling triples, and when each bill comes in the mail for grad school or undergrad loan payments, the feeling quadruples. And that's why the weight has added up.

(<--- postsecret.com)
I wish I was the kind of person that was strong enough to just pick up and move to a new city far away from all of this, but I'm not that kind of person. For as outgoing as I am, I'm the shyest most introverted most self conscious person there is. I put on a big front to people in my life. I'm the court jester for just about everyone, but much like the clown, I'm not all that happy inside. And I know that whatever I leave behind will follow me wherever I go.


I keep saying I'll be happy when I get a job, or lose some weight, or move out... but i keep thinking back to freshman year religion with Mr. Matt when he taught us about the station. How you aren't happy when you get to the stations in our lives, you're happy when you enjoy the trip because that's where life is. It's hard to enjoy the journey when the future is looking pretty bleak. It's hard to enjoy the journey when a person you'd like to spend it with barely talks to you because he's not that into you.


In 5 hours I'll be subbing in the district I student taught in. I'll probably see the kids that I taught and I'll feel like a rockstar for the day. Enough to keep me going for a little longer. Til the future looks a little brighter.

A drawing from one of my High School students
It's me on at my old desk with the caption...
"You are a blinding, blinding light..."

Thanks Alex. Sometimes I forget.



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Now playing: Coldplay - Lovers In Japan (Acoustic Version)
via FoxyTunes

They are turning my head out
To see what I'm all about
Keeping my head down
To see what it feels like now
But I have no doubt
One day the sun will come out

I'm a nerd. Or maybe it's a geek. I'm not really sure.

So my brother got me hooked on a show out of London on BBC called "Dr. Who". I wanted to resist it at all costs at first, but then I caught an episode that he was watching and it wasn't as bad as I thought it was. After he recommended Gilmore Girls for me, you'd think I'd listen to him.

Anyway... I just finished watching the 2nd series... and I can't stop crying.


Here's the jist of it...

"The Doctor's an alien adventurer called a 'Time Lord', seemingly the last of his race, who travels through time and space in his TARDIS battling evil where he finds it. And if she (Rose) travels with him, she'll find herself witnessing the heat-death of the Earth five billion years in the future, meeting Charles Dickens in the past, and encountering lifeforms and invaders stranger than she'd ever thought possible." - taken from imdb.com

You figure out after the first series that the companion, Rose Tyler, is in love with the doctor. (If you haven't seen any of this, then stop reading and get it on Netflix or BBC America or bit torrents.)

In the series 2 finale, Rose gets sucked in to another dimension after telling her mom that she won't leave the Doctor's side. While she is with her Mum, Dad, and best friend Mickey, in this new dimension, she is without the Doctor. He can't travel through the time portal because it needed to be closed to save the world. He figures out that if he gets a bunch of energy to feed into his spaceship, the TARDIS, he can project his image to where she is just to talk to her.

Rose: Where are you?

Doctor: Inside the TARDIS. There's one tiny little gap in the universe left... just about to close. And it takes a lot of power to send this projection. I'm in orbit around a supernova. I'm burning up a sun, just to say goodbye.

This is why I can't stop crying. My friend asked why I haven't tried one of the many dating sites out there... simply put: I deserve a better story than I met him on the internet. I want the kind of love that makes people write episodes of television that make me cry. I want the kind of love that makes me want to travel the universe seeing untold and unimaginable things all while being unsure if I'll ever be able to come home again. Cause even though, The Doctor is part of a TV Show, I still believe that somewhere out there is someone for me who would burn up a sun to spend two minutes with me. I still believe that somewhere out there is someone for me that I would burn up a sun to spend two minutes with.



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Now playing: Once Soundtrack - Say It To Me Now
"I'm scratching at the surface now
And I'm trying hard to work it out
So much has gone misunderstood
This mystery only leads to doubt"
via FoxyTunes

How big of a backpack do you want to put on to carry through life? -Larry Miller

"Everyone is born with a backpack. And you put stuff into it and you take stuff out of it. I've never really explored this concept this sharply, but let's go ahead and do it this way...

Everyone has a backpack. Some people have 500 pounds of rocks in it, other people have just a little sprinkling of gravel at the bottom. Now, the more you put in the backpack, the harder it is to get out of bed in the morning, the harder it is to exercise, the harder it is to move around and negotiate and navigate life and all it's obstacles. And you don't realize it when somebody's adding a rock to your backpack.. Maybe there's an outstanding bill, maybe you're driving around with a tail light busted, and you're aware of it, maybe you have an expired license, you know, there's all sorts of societal rocks that go into your back pack.

Most of the time its you adding rocks to your own backpack.

I remember when I was poor, I owed money to the I.R.S., I didn't have car insurance, so if I got pulled over, every time a cruiser puled up behind me, I always added a rock to my backpack. Not having health insurance, you know, just these sorts of outstanding warrants in your life, you know what I mean? The one night stand where you never called the chick again and you promised you'd call her again and then you're back at the club that you met her at and you're with a new chick and you're looking over your shoulder hoping you don't run into the old chick, that sort of thing. I feel that the more you have of that, the more you hunch over, the more you can't get out of bed.

Now, what you end up doing then is, you start supplementing it with booze and cocaine and gambling and whatever else to straighten your own back out. The weight of your own back pack has become too great and you can barely move any more. And what we say as a society is that we're trying to add to that back pack in a weird way. We're saying, 'Guys, go out there look you're best, do you're thing, go collect that.' But what we're doing is, while we're out getting, achieving, collecting, or patting the guys on the back who are having the affairs or the hits with the ladies or do have the collections of things that they constantly have to insure, and dust and keep in order and keep track of, we are simultaneously adding to our backpack. And maybe the more eastern philosophy of don't travel with too much in your backpack is the reason why these guys aren't hunched over at age 90." -Adam Carolla, American Genius

A Work In Progress

I've been fooling around with Photoshop to spruce up the old site here. So far so good. Here's what I've done so far...

1) changed the template
2) Expanded the background image so that the text does not overlap the flare in the image.
3) Not only expanded the background, but changed the sides a bit. How I heart you cloning tool!

Next up...
1) Fix the banner at the top that announces the blog. I got as far as making it as wide as I'd like it to be and centering the text. Now I just have to figure out how to blend the sides into the banner.

Also, if you want to read what's going on in the life of The D, then check out this. Chris wrote about the experience better than I ever could, although he neglected to mention that I thought the dude in the street was a tiger at first.

That's all for now, I have the energy to clean up the space I reside in, so I'm gunna use it all up.

peace.



----------------
Now playing: Dave Matthews Band - Grey Street
via FoxyTunes
"She feels like kicking out all the windows and setting fire to this life. She could change everything about her using colors bold and bright."

I'm not entirely sure if I could possibly be happier than I am in this very moment.

The "X" with the circle around it where I reside these days. And I really couldn't be happier that the place that I call home is currently being blanketed with a billion tiny diamonds to make my world more beautiful than it has ever been.

When I was five, I had a really bad ear infection, and I had been home in bed for a week. And I was very sad. So I wished really hard that something wonderful would happen to me. And I woke up the next morning… and it had snowed. And I was sure some fairy godmother had done it just for me. It was my little present. Sure, many years later, I realized that the snow wasn't there just for me. But whenever I see snow, I think it's a gift for me. I don't think that will ever change.


peace...

Current Music: " You don't need to change a thing about you babe. I'm telling you from where I sit you're one of a kind." - Griffin House The Guy That Says Goodbye to You Is Out of His Mind

----------------
Now playing: Griffin House - The Guy That Says Goodbye to You Is Out of His Mind
via FoxyTunes

why is it, that days where I found out that people had Cancer I was a rock? I stood my ground, I knew how to cope, how to deal.

but days like today when I feel like no one respects me at my job, I get a ton of things thrown at me, i weaken. I start to falter. I start to question who i am. I start to wonder if I can actually do this. No one seems to remember that I am not trained for this job. That i was supposed to be a temporary replacement. A band-aid for the situation. But instead it's 2 years later and all i've gained is the fact that I like teaching.

I have good days. I have days where I can't imagine being anywhere else. Then I have days like today where it seems like everything goes wrong. I have gotten 4 emails from my boss today pointing out my faults. TODAY. I'm really starting to butt heads with people too. Most of the people I work with are Type A's. They stress out about getting it all done, and in the process stress others out too. Such as myself. I can't believe I'm actually crying as I type this. It's so ridiculous. I think i'm more mad than anything. Im mad that people like them can get to me in such a way that they question who I am. I'm mad that I didn't get my shit together in time to get back to school. I'm mad that I'm alone. I'm mad that I live with my parents. I'm made that the two people that can make me feel better right now live 7 hours away by car and the other is 8 hours away by plane.

Right now I'm talking to a friend online about how much I miss her and how much I wish she was still around, but when she asks why im scared to tell her cause that will ruin the image of me as a person of strength to her.

i feel like im having a nervous breakdown or something and i hate it. i hate that im losing myself that im losing who i am. i was just getting comfortable in my own skin. it only took me 24 years.

i miss my friends, i miss what i had. i miss what was good. i miss knowing who i am. at the end of the day no matter what happened i knew i had my family, my friends and most of all myself.

sometimes i wish something terrible would happen to me.

I know i should really just suck it up, because my job isnt that important. Im not that important. I was told once that i could be replaced in 12 hours. After all thats all it took to replace my predecessor.

I hate that just because shes skinny and I'm not, I become the friend and she becomes the girlfriend. He and I both know that I'm the better catch, and yet I ALWAYS LOSE.

I love my life. I love the fact that i can write this. I love the fact that i have a roof over my head, with parents who drive me crazy, but at the end of the day would do anything for me. I love the fact that on saturday two of my favorite people in the whole world are marrying each other. I love that that gives me hope. but i hate that somedays hope is all i have and that i feel like thats all im gunna have. i hate that i have hate in my vocabulary right now.

i love the fact that im about to go to bed. and that it's with one of the things in life that brings me great joy... Adam Carolla. and i love that i wrote this all out rather than keeping it to myself. Fuck you depression. I will kick your ass.

plus new tv shows start next week. so I can finally have my Gilmore fix. Oh and Ben & Felicity got together today on Felicity on the WE channel. So all in all, it wasn't a complete waste of a day.

Peace... I'll get it back soon enough.


Current music: Death Cab For Cutie - Soul Meets Body
"And I do believe it's true that there are roads left in both of our shoes"

Today was rough

Today was rough.

I woke up and felt out of it instantly. Not to mention the fact that my Dad had to wake me up so getting up for work this week might actually happen. Summer's off are great, until you have to go back to work. So not looking forward to Wednesday.

On Friday I attended a funeral for the Husband of a Co-worker. It was sad. I had never met her Husband, but I knew how great a man he was simply by knowing his wife. After the Funeral I had a great post worked out in my head, but it never made it to the computer. Someday I'm sure it will.

Last week was Grama's birthday. She's 88. She fell not too long ago and hurt her head. She was always so lucid and with it. She was in great shape for a woman in her 80's. She lived in Florida for 30 years. And she lived in Florida by herself for 5 years after my Grampa died. But today while we had dinner in our kitchen, her stories were fragmented, and her statements didn't always make sense. She had MRI's taken of her brain, and Pops takes her to the same Doctor Allison went to for her spinal MRI's tomorrow. It's just really sad. This is the part I wasn't looking forward to when Mom and Pops told us that Grama would be moving to an Assisted Living facility nearby. I hate that I have to watch it end. I know I should look at it as a way to spend more time with her, but it still fucking sucks.

Delaware was good times. Got to see the Bro-bro and the other Amber. I got hella sunburned on my legs. The next day I couldn't bend my legs. Today it's as if nothing happened. 2 weeks and all I have to show for it is more freckles. Stupid Pasty White Irish Skin.

I hate being a girl. I'll spare you the details.

I'm off to finish reading "Killing Yourself to Live: 85% of a True Story". I dig Chuck Klosterman.


I stink. Seriously. Why Dave wants to have lunch with me tomorrow, I'll never know.

We'll maybe I'll know. Probably tomorrow around lunch time, when I see him. We're going to a Thai food place near his work. I'm a little nervous to go. The last time I had Thai food I was with my best friends in New Haven, not with a man that I professed my love to Freshman year of college. Maybe that's why when he asked me out to lunch in May I kept coming up with excuses.

The First Amber, aka Wifey, said something the last time we saw each other that got to me.

I was in New Hampshire for a get-together and talking to Leslie, a girl I had just met earlier that evening. She was talking to me about how her male best friend threw her for a loop the other night. She frequently sleeps over at his place, in his bed. But the other night, she woke up and he was spooning her. A first. She was asking me what she should do. I started asking her all the important questions... "Have you said anything to him?" "Did you want it to happen? Would you want it to happen again?" "Are you attracted to him?" "Were you scared because you didn't know what it meant or that you really liked it?"

To which, Wifey yells in from the other room:

"Leslie. She'll give you the best advice, but she'll never listen to herself."

SWEET JESUS! My Wifey knows me way too well.

Moral of the story: When it comes to other people and their shiz, I'm a friggin genius. When it comes to my own shiz, I'm an idiot.

Its so true it scares the crap out of me. Well I'm going to lunch with Dave tomorrow. I'm still nervous, but that didn't stop me the other times we hung out. But this time DJ Jazzy Jeff the dog won't be there to help me out. (I was dog sitting a cockapoo named Jazz the last time we hung out)

Ok I'm really going now. I have 100 pages left in that book, and I want to finish it before I start work again.

Peace...

Current Music: Lee Ann Womak - He Oughta Know That By Now
"It's not like he's gotta read my mind to know what I'm feelin' after all this time"

I'm the one they call Doctor Feelgood...

So I'm awake waaaay earlier that I'd like to be after last evening's events.

Last night, myself along with four other hot, hot ladies partook in the action known as: Motley Crue.

I have little to no voice. An incredibly sore throat. A massively filled recycling bin. A heinously dirty blanket. And about 150 photos.

Ill chat more about it when I get back from vacation with the family, but just know that when we made a bathroom trip, a lady gave us two seats to the 6th row. (The photo is from the 6th row) From the lawn to the 6th row. Sooo sweet.

The last time Margie and I went to a concert together we went from section 412 at the Garden to second row floor. I think its the combo of the two of us. And it will happen again. And to the woman who gave us her VIP seats... THANK YOU! Feel free to call us anytime to take those sweet tickets off your hands.

I'm writing some stuff over at Chrisboylan.com so go over read, love, and post comments.

I'm off to pack, then making the four hour trip to Delawhere? HAHAHA. No really. A good 4 days on the beach with no email access. Now that's a vacation.

Peace...

Current Music: Motley Crue - Home Sweet Home
"You know I'm a dreamer, but my heart's of gold. I had to run away high so I wouldn't come home low. Just when the things weren't right doesn't mean they were always wrong. Just take this song and you'll never feel left all alone."

I post more than Ryan does

Well it's true. I do post more than Ryan.

Here's an impromptu poll: I have 2 piercings in each ear. Should I let the 2nd hole close?

Respond in the comments.

Peace...

Current Music: The Walkmen - Little House of Savages
"There's a door in my heart and it's open tonight."

Nobody

Nobody else paid me attention like he did. Nobody else told me I was smart and funny and sweet. I knew I liked him, even loved him, despite the fact of him.

Happy 229th Birthday America!

I'm one of those people. The person that spends a good part of their day browsing through iTunes looking for good music to fill up the iPod with. iTunes has a section called "Celebrity Playlists". I look through it when I see a celebrity that I think would have some good tunes.

I saw the name Bobby Brown on the list and I checked it out . After seeing 3 minutes of his horrific "TV" show, I thought his playlist would be equally as shitty. It was. 8 out the 16 songs listed were his. A few from New Edition, mostly his solo "career" and one duet with Whitney.

My favorite part is the explanation of why the celebrity chose that song. Jennifer Garner-Affleck's list is talked about on several Blogs.

But for the first time I thought a song on the list had a good explanation. As a matter of fact, when I saw the song on the list, I thought the exact same thing before I even looked for the explanation.

"The Luckiest (Track 27): I love so many of Ben's songs, but I had to pick this one because I think it's the greatest love song ever written. Seriously." -Weird All Yankovic

Weird Al also includes They Might Be Giants, a first on any of the lists that I've perused.

Aren't you glad that it took me over a month to come up with this little nugget of goodness? Yeah I thought so too.

Peace...

Current Book: Fargo Rock City - Chuck Klosterman
"But if the June 6 date is indeed correct, GNR was created the day after my thirteenth birthday. I would have been at basketball camp, sleeping in a dorm room on the campus of North Dakota State, totally oblivious to the fact that I would one day think W. Axl Rose was the coolest motherfucker on the planet."


PS: Ryan had an injury, so his blog is back. Go check it out.

Dane, Gary & Bob

In a last minute decision, I left work early on Friday and drove out to Villanova, PA. It was Villanova's Nova Fest 2005. Similar in attempt to the Q's May Weekend only a lot less destruction and a lot less visible drunk students.

My sister, Allison, got me a ticket to Friday's show of comedians... Jay Davis, Robert Kelly, Gary Gulman & Dane Cook. I've seen Dane live in Boston and worshiped Gary from afar. Robert Kelly I've seen on Tough Crowd and thought he was pretty funny. Jay Davis I've never heard of and rightfully so. He was unfunny.

Allison had to work the show as an usher and had to be there at 5:30. The doors didn't open til 7, so I either got a job there or walked around like a dork until 7. Well I got the job, sort of. They gave me a t-shirt as if I was an usher, but I just kinda stood near Allison the whole time.

We got to listen to Dane and Bob do their sound check. They sang a song called, "You Idiot, You Stupid Douche", which has now become a personal favorite.

The show was hilarious. Jay Davis started the show with the unfunny, then brought Bob Kelly on.

Even with a busted leg, he brought the funny. With his busted leg Bob got around the place on a scooter. Which sounds very homosexual, yet he made it look cool.

Bob & I

Then after more unfunny from Jay... Mr Gary Gulman took the stage. If you watched Last Comic Standing 2 he's the tall Jewish fella that was best friend's with Todd Glass.

During Gary's set a douche bag in the section behind me kept yelling crazy stuff. Gary got fed up, stopped talking and said. "Will someone please put a cock in that guy's mouth?" Allison and I almost fell of our chairs. He went on to talk about how magical grapes are. Not to be confused with Grapefruit.

After the show we waited on line Allison and I told him how much we loved his set and that the comeback he had for the douche was the funniest we've ever heard. He asked us which one because he couldn't remember. When we recited the line, he laughed out loud too, because he knew that, yes, it was the greatest comeback ever. God he's beautiful.

Gary & I

Then more unfunny from Jay... then the reason most of the people were there took the stage... Dane Cook. I can't really describe how funny he was. You just know it was hilarious.

Dane & I SUPERFINGER!

These pictures were taken around 1:15am. These guys were amazing. They started the show at 8:30, and they waited around for anyone who wanted to see them. You could tell they were tired, but they stayed anyway. This is why I love comedians. Their job is to make people laugh. They could have easily just left after the show, but because they are all hot and funny, they stayed.

While I'm hella tired now... it was very much worth it.

I met some of Allison's friends too. I kinda felt like a loser though. Here I am less than 2 months away from being 24 and I'm staying in a freshman dorm. At least her friends made me laugh. And I finally met Gary.

Peace...

Current Music: Gavin DeGraw - Chariot
"You'll be my vacation away from this place."

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaack!

Back from London. Had a blast. Pictures soon to follow. But the real reason I'm here is...

I was listening to the radio today and the woman delivering the news said a word and it felt like nails on a chalk board as she spoke. The word was "Saturday". You're probably wondering how on earth could that sound bad? Well it was pronounced as: Sa-ur-day. She forgot the "t". I'm even willing to accept a "d" as is "Sadurday". Blame it on my 4th grade teacher. We didn't get a star if we didn't enunciate.

Other words that drive me crazy when mispronounced:
ask (aks)
frustrated (fustrated)
romantic (romanic) (BTW pronounced this way, makes it an entirely different word.)

I'm sure as time goes on many more words will be added to this list.

To all the offenders out there. Take stock.


Peace...
Current Music: The Postal Service - Such Great Heights
"I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned. And I have to speculate that God Himself did make us into corresponding shapes like puzzle pieces from the clay. And true it may seem like a stretch but it's thoughts like this that catch my troubled head when you're away and when I am missing you to death."

London Calling

So its been over a month. All that has happened in my life is that it snowed some more, Luke & Lorelei got back together and Rory and Logan are hookin up. (2 of the 3 things are not in reality)

Oh yeah and I bought a plane ticket to go to London. I leave tonight at 9:30. Im that moron who said yeah lets go to work all day Friday, come home for about 2 hours then go to the airport then fly for 7 hours then end up in London on Saturday.

On the plus side instead of looking at the same old trees when I go for a walk ill see this




Ill be there until the 27th. My Spring Break starts today and goes until April 3rd. My job rules. So after I come home Ill still have about a week to hang out.

Well I gotta get going, its time to pack up the suitcase. Im sure I'll still have to go to the store to get a few forgotten items. Be back in a week with photos of my own.


Peace....

Current Music: John Mayer - 3x5
"You should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes... it brought me back to life. You'll be with me next time I go outside. No more 3x5's."

Sick Day

I'm home from work today. It's the first day I have taken off for myself since I started at my job a year ago. I was at the dentist by 9 and Ill be at the car dealer for an oil change by 2. It felt really nice to sleep in until 7. On purpose.

I did find out that I have a cavity. It probably stems from the fact that I hate flossing. It's better than the last time I went and they found 9. I know what you're thinking 9 cavities?!?! What do you brush your teeth with sugar? Well my friends, in college, for about 2 years straight I chewed gum like it was goin out of style. My problem was that I didn't choose a sugarless gum. I now hate that gum, and have tried to steer clear of it all together, but then Trident makes a yummy gum that is Citrus flavored and I just can't resist. Plus no one else I know, besides Amy actually likes it, so no one asks if I have any. Which is good because I'm not very good at sharing.

So now I have to go back to the dentist a.k.a. my cousin and have the cavity filled. By the way I'm sure you're thinking that the cavities are really gross and like taking over my mouth, but the only cavities I've ever had are in between my teeth because I hate flossing. I don't know why I hate it, I just do.

Whew! I feel better telling you how much I hate flossing.

Now I have to figure out why it smells like a rotting orange near my computer. Gross.

Oh Yeah I added my picture to my profile so all the people that stalk me have a recent photo. Do us both a favor and don't spend too much time staring at it.

Peace...

Current Music: Bliss 66 - Sooner or Later
"Sooner or later I think you're gunna find out that we should be together now."

I heart snow...

When I was five I had a bad ear infection that kept me in bed for a week so I wished really hard that something wonderful would happen and the next morning it snowed. So whenever I see snow, I thinks it's a gift for me.

Here's my gift...

The view from my front door

It's pretty cool when you're loved enough to get a gift this big. Big enough to get the day off of work no less.

Peace...

Current Music: Patty Smyth - Goodbye To You
"Those times I waited for you seem so long ago. I wanted you far too much to ever let you go. You know you never got by "I feel it too", and I guess I never could stand to lose. It's such a pity to say... goodbye to you."

Epiphany

I had an epiphany today. It wasn't the good kind of epiphany. It's the kind where you realize that you've really messed things up and you're really not sure if it's worth it to fix it.

I realized that I was holding on to something that really wasn't there. For quite some time I believed that I had something really great going. It made me happy. It wasn't perfect, many people made fun of it, but what did I care? It made me happy.

I may only be 23, but I feel as if I've seen enough of this world that I know that there isn't a lot that can make you happy. I know that happiness comes in small doses. Like a cookie fresh out of the oven or a phone call from a friend. Or when someone tells you you look great even though you both know they're lying.

I think that was my problem. I was lying to myself. I wanted to believe that there was something more for me. Something grand that I could show all my friends why I "wasted my time". Well, the lying is over.


I'm tired of trying to convince myself of something that wasn't there in the first place. I'm tired of crying at the end of the day because this dream that I made up wasn't working out. It's really taking a toll on me and on other people in my life. So as of today.... I quit.

I quit lying to myself. I quit pretending that something is there. I quit holding on to something that no one else wanted to hold onto.

"You're just dying to climb on a bus, plane or train. You want to get the heck out of here and go somewhere you can truly be yourself. But guess what? You're already there -- and you're well worth getting to know as is. " -My horoscope for today

I am. I am trying my hardest to do something with this thing that I call my life. I'm trying to figure out if I can move out of my parents house. (I can, but I can't afford to eat) I keep trying to run and hide in attempts to find the real me. But as it says... I'm here. And I'm worth getting to know as is. The only problem with that is that I don't believe it. I don't believe that I'm worth getting to know me as is. And for some unknown reason no matter how many people tell me that I am a great person and they are lucky to know me, I still don't believe it. I really have no idea where this stems from.

I know that I am SOOO AMAZINGLY LUCKY to have people in my life that love me for who I am, but the biggest problem is that I don't love me for who I am. And for as long as I can remember I've tried to figure out why I don't like myself, but I can never come up with an answer. That's when I would turn to my good friend... Food.

So you wanna know how long I've been trying to figure this all out? Look at the size of me, it's like rings on a tree trunk, just count em up and you'll find the answer.

I'm gunna stop now, cause I'm tired and 6am comes mighty early for work. That and I really could go on for quite some time. I'm sure this isn't the list time that I have this conversation with you.

Thanks for reading this. Now go do something more important.

Peace...

Current Quote: "We may not always be as happy as you always dreamed we'd be, but for once, let's just allow ourselves to be whatever it is we are." -Garden State

For Melissa

So I was chatting with my good friend Melissa who reminded me that I have been seriously neglecting this little project that I have going on here. So to show you what I've done since my last posting...


This is a photo of my score on the Buzz Lightyear Space Ranger Spin. It is the highest score I have ever earned on this ride and it also the first time I beat Amy!!




To prove that I actually went to Disney World on my vacation from school...


So as you can see, I am alive and well and at least in the above picture, happy.

Amy and I went to Disney for 4 days, took 130 photos, visited over 10 countries and ate waaaaay too much and loved every single minute of it.

I went to Boston for New Year's Eve with the wifey. I had a blast, and am so glad I went. While I didn't rub elbows with celebs, Dave put his arm around Kelly Clarkson. So jealous. I heart Kelly Clarkson way more than any 23 year old professional woman should.

On that note, I'm off to bed. It's back to work for me for the first time in 2 weeks. Waking up is going to be rough.

Good luck on your first day Dave :P

Good luck Amy with your interview at my school!!!

Happy New Year to all who read this...

Peace...

Current Music: Rascal Flatts - Long Slow Beautiful Dance
"A deep breath and baby steps. That's how the whole thing starts. "