Just revamped the blog...  inspired by my inability to tell people in my life what I'm thinking.

So today at the gym, I was running on the treadmill, like I hate to do. There are 10 treadmills at my neighborhood YMCA. I come from a long line of people that don't like the middle stalls in bathrooms, so the same rules apply to treadmills. However, I'm on number 5 as the others were full when I started. Over the next 20 minutes, they empty out and the cheese runs alone. A gentleman with black spandex pants and a black t shirt with the sleeves cut off hops on to the treadmill next to me. Of all the treadmills, he chooses the one next to me. So I'm a little weirded out, but whatever. Added bonus... his hair... a short mullet that is receding in the front.

He starts to run. After a minute or two he starts moving his arms in a weird way. No big deal, people move their arms when they run. Until he does it again. This time it's like he's playing the drums. It looks like he's playing the drums... because he is. So I smile, and keep running thinking "rock on dude. whatever works for you." One of my biggest fears is falling on the treadmill like all the youtube videos show. So I have no idea how he's running and rocking out at the same time.

Then he breaks out the air guitar. No lie. Air guitar.

So I imagine he is reenacting Journey's glorious video Separate Ways and I chuckle to myself, kind of envious that he's so comfortable with himself that he can air guitar while running and not care what others think. It made me want to play air piano just so I could be a part of the band.

At this point, Kelly Clarkson's new song has me running my tush off, but I can't run forever. I do my cool down and decide I'm gunna head over to the weight room. I get off the treadmill and walk in front of the treadmills towards the weight room past the dude that was next to me. And I wish I was making this part up... He was wearing a Journey concert t-shirt.

I will be at the gym tomorrow at the same time just incase Mr. Perry (as in Steve Perry) is there again. This time I hope he does Don't Stop Believin.


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Now playing: Journey - Separate Ways
via FoxyTunes

True love won't desert you
You know I still love you
Though we touched
And went our separate ways

Why do I only feel the need to post here when it's 2Am and I've shed a few tears?

Probably cause I don't think anyone else is awake to listen to me. So you'll have to do.

Here's what you missed:
-no job or job prospects
-debt on the horizon
-living with the parents
-no romantic relationships to speak of
-and I'm probably the heaviest I've ever been.


I know last time I wrote about Doctor Who and how he loves Rose. Well that feeling never left me. And every Sunday when the paper has no job prospects, the feeling doubles, and every time my parents make a comment about getting a job, the feeling triples, and when each bill comes in the mail for grad school or undergrad loan payments, the feeling quadruples. And that's why the weight has added up.

(<--- postsecret.com)
I wish I was the kind of person that was strong enough to just pick up and move to a new city far away from all of this, but I'm not that kind of person. For as outgoing as I am, I'm the shyest most introverted most self conscious person there is. I put on a big front to people in my life. I'm the court jester for just about everyone, but much like the clown, I'm not all that happy inside. And I know that whatever I leave behind will follow me wherever I go.


I keep saying I'll be happy when I get a job, or lose some weight, or move out... but i keep thinking back to freshman year religion with Mr. Matt when he taught us about the station. How you aren't happy when you get to the stations in our lives, you're happy when you enjoy the trip because that's where life is. It's hard to enjoy the journey when the future is looking pretty bleak. It's hard to enjoy the journey when a person you'd like to spend it with barely talks to you because he's not that into you.


In 5 hours I'll be subbing in the district I student taught in. I'll probably see the kids that I taught and I'll feel like a rockstar for the day. Enough to keep me going for a little longer. Til the future looks a little brighter.

A drawing from one of my High School students
It's me on at my old desk with the caption...
"You are a blinding, blinding light..."

Thanks Alex. Sometimes I forget.



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Now playing: Coldplay - Lovers In Japan (Acoustic Version)
via FoxyTunes

They are turning my head out
To see what I'm all about
Keeping my head down
To see what it feels like now
But I have no doubt
One day the sun will come out

I'm a nerd. Or maybe it's a geek. I'm not really sure.

So my brother got me hooked on a show out of London on BBC called "Dr. Who". I wanted to resist it at all costs at first, but then I caught an episode that he was watching and it wasn't as bad as I thought it was. After he recommended Gilmore Girls for me, you'd think I'd listen to him.

Anyway... I just finished watching the 2nd series... and I can't stop crying.


Here's the jist of it...

"The Doctor's an alien adventurer called a 'Time Lord', seemingly the last of his race, who travels through time and space in his TARDIS battling evil where he finds it. And if she (Rose) travels with him, she'll find herself witnessing the heat-death of the Earth five billion years in the future, meeting Charles Dickens in the past, and encountering lifeforms and invaders stranger than she'd ever thought possible." - taken from imdb.com

You figure out after the first series that the companion, Rose Tyler, is in love with the doctor. (If you haven't seen any of this, then stop reading and get it on Netflix or BBC America or bit torrents.)

In the series 2 finale, Rose gets sucked in to another dimension after telling her mom that she won't leave the Doctor's side. While she is with her Mum, Dad, and best friend Mickey, in this new dimension, she is without the Doctor. He can't travel through the time portal because it needed to be closed to save the world. He figures out that if he gets a bunch of energy to feed into his spaceship, the TARDIS, he can project his image to where she is just to talk to her.

Rose: Where are you?

Doctor: Inside the TARDIS. There's one tiny little gap in the universe left... just about to close. And it takes a lot of power to send this projection. I'm in orbit around a supernova. I'm burning up a sun, just to say goodbye.

This is why I can't stop crying. My friend asked why I haven't tried one of the many dating sites out there... simply put: I deserve a better story than I met him on the internet. I want the kind of love that makes people write episodes of television that make me cry. I want the kind of love that makes me want to travel the universe seeing untold and unimaginable things all while being unsure if I'll ever be able to come home again. Cause even though, The Doctor is part of a TV Show, I still believe that somewhere out there is someone for me who would burn up a sun to spend two minutes with me. I still believe that somewhere out there is someone for me that I would burn up a sun to spend two minutes with.



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Now playing: Once Soundtrack - Say It To Me Now
"I'm scratching at the surface now
And I'm trying hard to work it out
So much has gone misunderstood
This mystery only leads to doubt"
via FoxyTunes

How big of a backpack do you want to put on to carry through life? -Larry Miller

"Everyone is born with a backpack. And you put stuff into it and you take stuff out of it. I've never really explored this concept this sharply, but let's go ahead and do it this way...

Everyone has a backpack. Some people have 500 pounds of rocks in it, other people have just a little sprinkling of gravel at the bottom. Now, the more you put in the backpack, the harder it is to get out of bed in the morning, the harder it is to exercise, the harder it is to move around and negotiate and navigate life and all it's obstacles. And you don't realize it when somebody's adding a rock to your backpack.. Maybe there's an outstanding bill, maybe you're driving around with a tail light busted, and you're aware of it, maybe you have an expired license, you know, there's all sorts of societal rocks that go into your back pack.

Most of the time its you adding rocks to your own backpack.

I remember when I was poor, I owed money to the I.R.S., I didn't have car insurance, so if I got pulled over, every time a cruiser puled up behind me, I always added a rock to my backpack. Not having health insurance, you know, just these sorts of outstanding warrants in your life, you know what I mean? The one night stand where you never called the chick again and you promised you'd call her again and then you're back at the club that you met her at and you're with a new chick and you're looking over your shoulder hoping you don't run into the old chick, that sort of thing. I feel that the more you have of that, the more you hunch over, the more you can't get out of bed.

Now, what you end up doing then is, you start supplementing it with booze and cocaine and gambling and whatever else to straighten your own back out. The weight of your own back pack has become too great and you can barely move any more. And what we say as a society is that we're trying to add to that back pack in a weird way. We're saying, 'Guys, go out there look you're best, do you're thing, go collect that.' But what we're doing is, while we're out getting, achieving, collecting, or patting the guys on the back who are having the affairs or the hits with the ladies or do have the collections of things that they constantly have to insure, and dust and keep in order and keep track of, we are simultaneously adding to our backpack. And maybe the more eastern philosophy of don't travel with too much in your backpack is the reason why these guys aren't hunched over at age 90." -Adam Carolla, American Genius